Watch
Your Mouth
(Part 3 of 4-part series on Proverbs)
Introduction:
Have you ever found yourself
having said something that you now regret? I know I have. There are
words that I have said during moments of anger that have hurt other
people. There have been moments when I said unintelligible things
because I did not think things through and it has made me look like a
fool. There have even been moments when I said things that I should
not have said, or ask questions I shouldn't be asking at all. I
could have easily avoided those embarrassing moments if only I had
watched what I said, if only I had carefully thought through what I
was going to say.
This morning, as we continue
to study the Book of Proverbs, we will understand how our words can
either bring life or cause hurt to people. If you still remember
when we had the 40 Days of Love campaign last year, one of our
messages was about learning to love with our words. While there may
be some similarities between today's message and last year's message,
we all need to be reminded again, I need to be reminded again, that
my words must help and not hurt people. My words must build people
up and not tear them to pieces.
The average man speaks around
20,000 words per day while the average woman about 30,000 words per
day. The potential to either help or hurt someone is huge with so
many words spoken by us. Now, what are the words that can hurt
people? This morning, we will begin by looking at the hurting words
we use against others, as described in Proverbs. Because of time
limitation, we will only look at four kinds of hurting words, but I
believe there are others recorded that you can check out on your own.
WORDS
THAT HURT
A. Gossip
A gossip betrays a
confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
Proverbs 11:13
What
is gossip? Gossip is revealing one's secrets, sharing something
spoken to us in confidence without their permission. It is also
defined as spreading a rumor without confirming the facts. Just from
the definitions, we can already tell what's the problem with
gossiping. From the Proverb we just read we also know what's the
problem. The problem when you gossip is that you are betraying one's
trust in you by revealing to others what the person has explicitly
told you to keep as a secret. The reason why a person would tell you
their secret is because they trust that you will keep your promise
not to tell others. Why do people gossip anyway? Its because it is
a sure way of getting the attention of others. People just love to
hear what's going on in the lives of others. Unfortunately, gossip
is very destructive. According to Proverbs 16:28b, “gossip
separates close friends”.
When you gossip about your friend, and he finds out about it, your
friendship is basically over. When you spread rumors about what
someone supposedly said about another person, and it reaches the
subject person, you will have caused a rift between two people.
Gossip is hurtful. It destroys friendship. It can destroy the life
of a person who may not be emotionally strong to handle it.
Therefore, stop gossiping and spreading rumors about others.
B. Deception
We
can also hurt people by being deceitful or by lying. In Proverbs
26:28 we read, “A
lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works
ruin.” In
Solomon's list of seven things God hates in Proverbs 6:16 – 19,
lying is included. Now, why do we lie? We lie in order to deceive
people. We lie in order to save ourselves from being punished. We
sometimes even lie in order to protect someone's feelings as well as
not to be the subject of a person's displeasure. I am sure all of us
have done it before. I know I have and I am not proud of it.
Lying
hurts because you deprive people of what they ought to know. Lying
hurts because, instead of helping people see their real situation,
you flatter them just to make them feel good. Lying hurts because
you're saying to the other person, you're not important to me; I am
more important than you. We think that by lying we save our skins
but in reality, withholding the truth causes more trouble. You see,
a lie will eventually be exposed. You can't hide it forever.
Lying,
just like gossiping, can destroy relationships. If you have the
propensity to tell a lie or even half-truths, you have to stop. It
is better to tell the truth. People will admire you when you tell
the truth rather than having to hide the truth just to make them
happy.
C. Quarrelsome
Words or Words Spoken in Anger
When
we get angry, what usually follow are words that are quarrelsome or
confrontational. Sometimes, we even bring up the past and use it as
ammunition against those who've hurt us. In Proverbs 17:14 we read,
“Starting a quarrel
is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks
out.” Imagine a
massive dam that holds billions of gallons of water. All it takes is
one small crack for water to start seeping through and then it won't
take long before the entire dam collapses, allowing all the water the
dam was supposed to hold to flow like a destructive tsunami. Anger
that is not kept in check, leads to quarrelsome words which can
destroy relationships and can cause emotional damage to people.
Therefore, avoid getting into unnecessary quarrels as much as
possible. Heed the Apostle Paul's command in Ephesians 4:26 where he
tells us, “In your
anger do not sin.”
D. Self-Centered Words
There are also moments when we
use words in order to promote our agenda or to make ourselves look
important. Simply put, the words that flow out of our mouths reflect
self-centeredness. When we do this, we actually become fools in the
eyes of God as well as in the eyes of discerning people.
In
Proverbs 18:2 we read, “A
fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his
own opinions.”
A person who thinks highly only of himself and of his opinions is a
fool because he sees only himself but he never values other people
and their insights. By refusing to listen to other people, they do
not gain wisdom and insight. As followers of Christ, we must learn
to value others. One way by which we show love to one another is
actually by learning to talk less about ourselves and instead,
learning to listen to what others have to say and valuing what they
say.
Gossip, deception, quarrelsome
words or word spoken in anger, and self-centered words. All these
must be avoided by us. To engage in such words are not only
destructive, but they also reflect how foolish we really are.
What kind of words then should
flow from our mouths? Let's look now at words that will help people.
There are three kinds of helpful words we should use regularly.
Words That Help
A. Honest Words
An
honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.
Proverbs 24:26
First of all, the words that
flow from our mouths must be honest words. A follower of Jesus
Christ must be characterized by honest speech. Honesty, though it
may hurt at times, is actually good medicine. I remember as a kid
suffering from asthma, I had to go to the doctor for shots every 8
weeks to control it. I hated going for injections at first because
it was painful; but those asthma shots helped me immensely. Words
spoken honestly are just like bitter medicine. It tastes bad but it
is ultimately good for you. In the proverb we just read, an honest
answer is compared to a kiss on the lips. You don't just kiss anyone
on the lips unless you are intimate with that person, like husbands
and wives. Well, honesty is actually something wonderful like a kiss
because it strengthens intimacy between people, it reveals that we
really are listening to people when they talk and we value our
friendship with others so much we do not want to hide anything from
them. The problem when we don't tell the truth is that we give
people the wrong impression that they are OK, that nothing is wrong
with them. Honesty is like a mirror that helps all of us to see
what's wrong and what needs to change in us or in others. So, learn
to be honest with one another.
B. Encouraging Words
Our
words can be helpful to others when they are meant to encourage or
cheer people up. In Proverbs 12:25 we read, “An
anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
Have you ever experienced moments where you were feeling sad and
depressed, then a friend comes along and cheers you up with rightly
timed words? I have and I am sure many of us have, too. Sentences
as simple as “You
did a great job”
or “thank
you”
can lift one's spirit. When you tell someone that you're praying for
him (and really doing it), that is also encouraging. Telling people
that you appreciate them for something they did or for who they are
is also encouraging. Learn to speak encouraging words to others, but
be sure to balance it with honesty.
C. Kind and Gentle Words
Pleasant
words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Proverbs 16:24
A
gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
Our words can be helpful to
others if they are spoken with kindness and gentleness. In other
words, do not be abrasive towards people; do not be confrontative.
In Proverbs 16:24, pleasant words are compared to a honeycomb. The
honeycomb is where the bees store their honey. What the proverb
means is that when pleasant words flow from our mouths abundantly, it
is sure to bring gladness of spirit to others which then results in
wellness for a person. In Proverbs 15:1, when you answer an angry
person with gentleness, you will help diffuse the anger and tension
instead of elevating it further. So, speak gently and with pleasant
words and see how people will react to you positively.
Master Your Mouth
We've learned about hurtful
words as well as helpful words. We know that we are to avoid hurtful
words and we must be liberal when using helpful words. The final
thing we need to remember is that we must have mastery over our
mouths. The Book of Proverbs list down three things we should do to
master over our mouths.
A. Hold Your Tongue
The
first advice to remember is that we must hold our tongue. In other
words, prevent yourself from saying unnecessary words. In Proverbs
10:19 we read, “When
words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is
wise.”
Another Proverb to consider is Proverbs 21:23 – - “He
who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”
I remember this one incident
many, many years ago when I was part of a joint choir that was going
to sing in an evangelistic meeting. I was still very young, maybe
not even 25 years old. I met a female friend from high school who I
haven't seen for some time. After exchanging greetings, I made the
biggest mistake of commenting on her weight! While it is true that
she has added a few pounds, I realized then that I had somewhat
offended her because weight is a sensitive issue for the ladies. If
only I had just said Hello and ended there!
A
good way of putting this point into practice is to think of this:
“If I have
nothing good to say to someone, then keep quiet!”
It is better not to say much and leave a good impression rather
than to say too much and hurt someone's feelings.
B. Think Before You Speak
The
second advice to remember is always think carefully what you're going
to say before you actually say it. In Proverbs 15:28 we read, “The
heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the
wicked gushes evil.”
So often, our words can hurt people because we did not think through
what we're going to say. Words that are spoken in haste are usually
spoken without any thought behind them. Wise people will think
through their answers before they say it, so as not to hurt others,
because they know that once they speak out, they cannot retrieve the
words back again. If they have spoken hurtful words, then the damage
has been done.
Before
you speak, ask yourself this question: “Will
what I say help the person or will it hurt the person?
Is there a
better way of saying what I need to say?”
It is usually better to delay giving a response if what comes out of
it is well-thought of and helpful, rather than a quick response that
hurts.
C. Learn to Listen Before
Speaking
Finally, learn to listen first
before speaking. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “He who answers
before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” Very
often, we make the mistake of giving answers even before we get the
whole picture or explanation. I am often guilty of this. It just
goes to show that I am not really listening. At other times, while
someone is talking to me, I am only partly listening to what the
person is saying to me because I am already beginning to formulate my
answer to the previous things that were talked about. The bad thing
about answering so quickly without really listening well is that we
will give wrong, impractical answers almost all the time. Learning
to listen to others first before speaking is actually a way of
showing genuine interest to the other person. It is a way of saying
to them, I value you as a person. We will be of utmost help
to them also when we learn to listen first because we will be able to
see the whole picture and we will be able to formulate our answers
more adequately, if it is an answer that they are seeking.
Conclusion:
Let's review what we've
learned this morning from Proverbs regarding our mouths. First, we
must avoid words that hurt, namely gossip, deception, quarrelsome
words and self-centered words. Second, we must speak words that
help, namely honest words, encouraging words, and kind and gentle
words. Finally, we must master our mouths by learning to hold our
tongues, by thinking first before we speak, and by listening to
others first before we speak.
We've learned a lot about our
speech in the Book of Proverbs; however, it isn't enough that we know
a lot of information. What I've shared with you are things we should
apply or things we should avoid when we talk. We all talk everyday.
Let's be careful to put into action what we've learned today.
To end, I want you to watch
this short video to let you know how important it is to watch what we
say.
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