Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Make Your Marriage Work - Preached 10/17/2010 at GGC

Make Your Marriage Work
1 Peter 3:1 – 7

Introduction:

Who among you know what is the percentage of marriages in the U.S. that end in divorce? Who says its 50%? 60%? 70%? Actually, the answer is a bit complicated. Often, we hear that the divorce rate in the U.S. is 50% and the answer is somewhat correct but you will be shocked at what I am going to share with you right now regarding that statistic. In a first-time marriage, the divorce rate is 41%; in a second marriage, meaning there was a previous divorce that has taken place, the rate went up to 60%; then for those who get into a third marriage, the rate went up even further to 73%. This does not account for those who got divorced and never married but are now cohabiting with others. Thus, a figure of 50%

While divorce is not allowed in the Philippines, the government does allow for annulment where a marriage is declared as non-existent under certain conditions. Prior to 2006, the number of cases filed did not exceed 7000 per year. By 2006, the number of cases breached the 7000 mark for the first time with 7,138 cases. The number increased significantly in 2007 with 7,753 cases. I don't have figures for 2008 and 2009 but I believe that the numbers may even be higher.

Why are we seeing such a high rate of divorce in the U.S. as well as a growing number of annulment in the Philippines? According to a study, there are around ten reasons why a marriage heads toward divorce or annulment. What are these reasons? In the interest of time, I will not discuss these reasons but just read through them as they are self-explanatory.

(1) The other partner's infidelity
(2) Non-commitment to the marriage
(3) Lack of communication
(4) Abuse (physical, emotional & substance)
(5) Inability to handle conflicts
(6) Difference of goals
(7) Money problems
(8) Intellectual incompatibility
(9) Mental illness
(10) Differences/clashes in lifestyle, religion and culture


Why did I bring up all these statistics and reasons as to why so many marriages are heading for divorce or annulment? It is because, sadly, many people enter into marriage without the expressed goal and intention of making their marriage work. Many enter into marriage simply because they're physically attracted to each other or because of the pressures of society and parents or because of some material benefit they can get from the marriage. They don't enter into a marriage thinking of it as a commitment and with a strong desire to make it work. They don't think much about pouring in the effort to making a marriage that will last.

This morning, we continue our study on the book of 1 Peter. While Peter wasn't talking about divorce, he was talking about how husbands and wives were to treat each other. His teaching on the matter would, no doubt, strengthen a marriage and even avert a divorce or annulment from happening. So, let's dive into our study of today's passage and learn how a couple can make their marriage work. For those who are single here, today's passage should be of help to you as you will, sooner or later, ponder about marriage and what it takes to make a marriage work.

Context:

You may have noticed that Peter's instruction for the men was only a single verse while for the women it was six verses long. It was because married women in those days were at a great disadvantage. You see, women back then were viewed as a thing, an object, a property that was at the disposal of either the father or the husband. Women back then had no rights whatsoever. Furthermore, Peter was addressing women who had become believers after their marriage to their non-believing husbands. This was an even more complicated matter because, as I said, a woman back then had no rights, even the right to decide, and thus, her decision to become a believer in Jesus Christ ran counter to the culture of those days. Now, if a husband had become a believer, it would have been easier because he could bring the whole family to church, but because the women were the ones being converted first, how then could they win their husbands to Christ? I believe this is very much an issue in Chinese-Filipino families as the wives are usually the first to come to Christ.

Now, what Peter laid out for the married women to do back then still applies today. Here he taught the married women who had non-believing husbands what they can do to win their husbands to Christ. However, what Peter taught is not just applicable for wives with non-believing husbands, but they apply also when the husband is a believer. The command for the husband is likewise applicable up to today. However, as I studied on the passage, I found that the commands given to the wives can very well apply to husbands and they should take note of these. Therefore, what I have done is to classify the commands for both husbands and wives to three general commands that we all need to pay attention to as well as put them to action.

Before I get to the main points of today's message, I would like for us to look at a phrase that occurs in both verse 1 and verse 7. That phrase is “in the same way.” What is the significance of this phrase such that it is used to introduce the commands for both husbands and wives? The phrase is actually a reference to the last portion of Chapter 2 where Peter wrote about Jesus Christ and how he was humble, how he refused to retaliate against those who wronged Him, and how he trusted God completely throughout his suffering. Peter was saying to both husbands and wives that they were to have the same humility as what Jesus had, they were to never think of getting even when their spouses wrong them, and they were to completely trust the Lord as the one who can make their marriages work out. So, let's look now at what Peter commanded both husbands and wives to do and learn how we who are married can apply these commands, and for the singles, how you can properly prepare for married life someday.

For a marriage to work there must be . . .

I. Respect for Each Other

There needs to be respect flowing freely between husbands and wives if they want their marriage to work. However, the manifestation of respect from husband to wife and vice versa are different. For a wife, the way to show respect to her husband is actually to submit to the husband. This is very much in line with what Paul taught in Ephesians and Colossians. Now, submission should be taken to mean blind obedience nor should it mean that the wife becomes inferior; instead, submission is, in the words of a Bible commentator, “voluntary selflessness.” The wife puts to death whatever pride she may have in her achievements and even her intellectual superiority and instead chooses to serve and be under the leadership of her husband. It is a submission grounded, not in fear, but in love.
When these wives became believers, I am sure they have heard the teaching that, in Christ, there is no difference whether male or female, whether slave or free. This was a radical teaching for a society where the male figure was deemed as being superior over the female, where the slave is subject to the mercy of the master. They were probably tempted to assert their rights, their newfound freedom in Christ. However, any such attempt to voice out this radical truth about freedom in Christ would surely cause violent reactions amongst the husbands and would bring about a rejection of the Gospel truth as well as probable punishment of the wife for defying him. While it is true that all in Christ are equal, God has still set in place that the husband be the head of the family and everyone in it is to support him and follow his lead. It is not a question of equality but a question of authority, that the husband is ordained by God as having leadership over the family. Therefore, the wife must submit to the husband, but she must do so because she chooses to and not simply because she is forced to. Peter's command to the wives apply not only to non-believing husbands but also, and all the more, to believing husbands.

Now, this submission on the part of the wives actually has a powerful influence on the unbelieving husbands as they see their wives behaving in such a way that they are affirmed as men and that they are accorded the respect that they need. Let's face it men, we need affirmation and respect, and when our wives give it to us without reservation, this somehow lifts us up. Even if a wife is more intelligent and probably more capable as a leader than her husband, if she willingly gives the husband the respect due him as the leader of the family, then this gives her husband a lot of affirmation and averts any feeling of resentment.

Augustine, the Bishop of Hippo, cited that her mother, who was a believer, won her husband to the Lord primarily through her good conduct. Of course, by all means, believing wives should mention the Gospel to their non-believing husbands, but let your action speak louder. Maybe there are some here whose husbands do not yet know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and you want so badly for them to become believers; well, Peter makes clear that we can win them to Christ by submitting to them, by giving them the affirmation and respect that is rightly due them, by our good conduct. I hope you will submit out of love to your husbands.


Now, respect needs to be shown also by husbands to their wives. In verse 7 Peter instructed the husbands to be considerate towards their wives and to treat them with respect since they are the weaker partner. Why were wives called the weaker partner? It is because women generally are physically weaker compared to men. They are also considered weaker because of how women are unfairly accorded a lower status by society.

What did Peter mean when he instructed the husbands to be considerate towards their wives? The word, as defined by the dictionary, means that one must be careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to another person. In a more practical light, what it means is that the husband must treat their wives gently and must be sensitive to their feelings. Back during Peter's time, some husbands were anything but gentle towards their wives. According to Cato, a typical ancient Roman, he wrote: “If you were to catch your wife in an act of infidelity, you can kill her with impunity without a trial.” Egnatius beat his wife to death when he found her drinking wine. Sulpicius Gallus dismissed his wife because she had once appeared in the streets without a veil. Publius Sempronius Sophus divorced his wife because she went to watch the public games. This was how men treated their wives. It was their “privilege” and they were not expected to live up to any particular responsibility towards their wives. However, the Christian ethic does not operate in such a way but places an obligation upon the husband to be considerate. In Ephesians, Paul commanded husbands to love their wives with sacrificial love. For Peter, he doesn't use the word “love” but his thoughts are the same as those of Paul. To be considerate means that he must be understanding, chivalrous, and remember that she is very much equal with him in the sight of God.

So, do you want a marriage that works? Begin by exercising respect for each other. Wives, submit to the leadership of your husbands. Husbands, be considerate towards your wives.

II. Purity of Life

For a marriage to work, there needs to be purity of life found in both husband and wife. Although this phrase was used by Peter specifically for the wives, I believe that this should apply to both, considering that we live in an age where people have become more perverse; where both husbands and wives can get entangled in forbidden affairs; where there is so much trash circulating not only in print and on TV and movies but also in the virtual world of the internet.

When one talks of purity, two ideas should come to mind. The first is chastity. Chastity, simply defined, is to refrain from engaging in extramarital affair for a married person, or in immorality, in the case of single people. In Hebrews 13:4 we read “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.” Sex is good when it is exercised within the proper boundary of marriage; but outside that boundary, sex becomes an affair or immorality. Now, chastity is not just about refraining from engagement in sex outside of marriage, it is also about keeping one's mind free from the things in the world that pollutes our minds and would surely affect our marriage and how we view our spouses and people in general. I'm not just talking about pornography but I'm also referring to what we watch in TV and in movies, what we read in magazines and books as well as browse on the internet. Many materials are not classified as pornography but they treat sex as something people can casually engage in without consequence. Jesus warned that if we look at a person and begin thinking of lustful thoughts, we are already committing adultery (Matthew 5:27 – 30). Brothers and sisters, let us keep ourselves chaste. Its true, we live in a time when many are saying “everyone's doing it” and “it feels right”, but our God is a holy God and he expects us to live holy lives, nothing less.

The second aspect of purity is fidelity. What it simply means is “be faithful” or to “be devoted to one”. In a marriage, it means you must put your spouse as first and foremost in the order of all your human relationships. You must never allow anyone else or anything to come in the way of your marriage relationship. Some spouses will, never in their lifetime, commit adultery against their partners, but they will be unfaithful to them by paying more attention to their careers, their hobbies, their sports, more than their spouses. They want to spend more time being with their friends rather than with their spouses. They spend too much time in the office and the house becomes nothing more than a hotel where they come home to sleep, eat breakfast and then be gone for the rest of the day, not returning until its late in the evening. If you want to make your marriage work, you have to focus on your relationship with each other as being top priority, second only to your relationship with God. Set time to be with each other, do things together.

Purity, that is what is so badly needed in marriage. There has to be chastity as well as faithfulness. Without purity, a marriage will never last long.

III. Focus on Inner Beauty

Finally, if we want to make our marriage work, we have to learn to focus on the inner beauty of our spouses rather than dwelling on their outward appearances. Peter was talking to the wives when he told them not to become preoccupied with making themselves outwardly beautiful. Why were the wives spending so much time and money making themselves outwardly attractive? According to a scholar, it was because in the ancient world women had no part in public life, they had nothing to pass their time. For that reason, it was sometimes argued that the women must be allowed to indulge in dress and adornment. They needed to make themselves beautiful so that their husbands would love them and keep them.

What was the extent of beautification of ancient women? Check out Isaiah 3:18-24 and you will be surprised at what women in the past wore. In the Greek and Roman world, women were known for sporting different hairstyles, wearing wigs, putting on hairbands, pins and combs made of ivory, tortoise shell and gold studded with gems. Some women wore expensive pearl earrings such as the wife of Julius Caesar, whose pearl earrings were estimated to be worth £ 65,250, or the wife of Caligula wore a dress covered with pearls and emeralds costing £ 450,000. Even Christian women were guilty of focusing too much on outward beauty because archaeologists found blonde wigs inside Christian catacombs, an indication that some of the worshippers were extravagant in adorning themselves with the most expensive of fashion.

The same is true today. A lot of wives who have the means will spend so much time and money making themselves look attractive so that their husbands will love them. This explains why businesses like high-end salons, clothing stores, jewelry shops and beauty enhancement centers make tons of money. Now, the husbands aren't exactly that better. Some husbands may insist on buying the most expensive clothes, accessories and even visit a skin care doctor and center and say that its an “investment” that will ensure grabbing that high-paying job or make sure that their wives will still love them. Others will buy that expensive car or watch thinking that it makes him cool and attractive. As followers of Jesus Christ, what is more important is what's inside of us. Do we manifest the Fruit of the Holy Spirit? Can people say that they see Jesus Christ through us? Now, Peter is not saying that we should neglect our physical appearance nor are we prohibited from buying an expensive car or watch, but what he is saying is that physical beauty should take a backseat to inner beauty. Physical beauty fades because we're going to get wrinkles, we're going to wear bifocals, we're going to lose our teeth and what have you, but inner beauty will last.

So, we should first of all cultivate in our lives those things that make us beautiful inside – the Fruit of the Holy Spirit. Then we should look at other people in the same light. We look at what is inside them. When both husband and wife are working on their inner beauty, can you just imagine how wonderful and lasting that marriage is going to be? The same should be true for those who are planning to enter into an exclusive relationship; don't fall in love just because the other person is beautiful physically, but look at the inner beauty of the person, their character, their desire and striving to be like the Lord Jesus. Inner beauty, according to Peter, was the element that would win an unbelieving husband to Christ. Its the same thing that will make a marriage work. You want a marriage that will last? Then be beautiful inside and look for that same beauty in your spouse.

Conclusion:

At the start of my message, I talked about the high rate of divorce in the States. What I did not mention was that even Christians in the States were divorcing at the same rate. 50% of Christian marriages are ending in divorce. This is a painful statistic. If only Christian couples can learn to respect each other, live pure lives for each other, and focus on building their inner beauty and looking at the inner beauty of their partners, then I am sure that there would way lesser divorces taking place.

To all the couples here, my prayer for us all is that we will heed Peter's word and give our best effort to make our marriages work. To all the singles here, one day you will most likely consider marriage and even before that day comes, I hope you will all commit that when you do get married, you will follow Peter's teachings on making marriage work. God wants marriages to last, not end in divorce and separation. Let's make marriage work so that we fulfill God's original intention for marriage and bring glory to Him.